I'm a Little Jealous of Brené Brown

Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, is an amazing human being.  She is a professor, a ground-breaking researcher, a best-selling author and a crazy-great speaker. I recently gave out 20 copies of her latest book, Dare to Lead, to people I love as gifts. And my confession (“bless me, Father, for I have sinned” we would say in Catholic confessionals, which I think could also be translated as “bless me, Father, for I have human-ed) is that I am a little jealous of her. 

Well, I am. I do love her, her books, her ted talks and now her Netflix special. Jeez Louise, of course she now has a Netflix special. When I saw it advertised on TV, I actually had a sharp twinge of panicked stress in my stomach. I dream of doing that. It’s not that her work doesn’t powerfully inspire me and probably millions of other people to live less-defended, more satisfying lives. But there is a part of me, a voice that says, “You’re not enough. You are not good enough, Cynthia Anne Bernadette Gough McKeever. You’re no Brené Brown.” This voice causes my mind, the baby dinosaur portion of my brain, to make the illogical conclusion that I actually cannot be my full self and serve others because she is already being her full self and serving others her way.  Shiiiit.

It’s an insidious little/loud voice that compares me to others and keeps me from feeling good about who and what I am, what I am doing, what I am trying to do, and what I would love to do.  This kind of comparison, this kind of measuring is a recipe for personal misery. Ugh. I know you know what I mean. I know you’ve felt this feeling before in your life. Perhaps you’re feeling it right now.

I first heard the phrase “measurement is misery” from Jorge Luis Delgado, a Peruvian teacher and friend of mine, who is a shaman, author and powerful bringer of transformation to the world. Measurement is indeed actual misery.  It’s not a minor annoyance. It’s not a gnat flying around your eyes. 

By the way, and I’m going to go off on a tangent here: 

Why is the G silent in Gnat?  Why is the K silent in Knock? Why is the P silent in Pneumonia? Why, oh why, oh why? This has made me slightly crazy for years.  Who made this literary edict to silence those consonants in front of the letter “n” in randomly chosen words? Who cruelly put them on display first as a testament to their powerlessness? I know, k-n-o-w (see here I understand the K placement in front of the word “know” because K has a function. It changes the sound of the word from “now” to “no.” Makes sense to me.), so I k-n-o-w I am anthropomorphizing these letters, giving them human characteristics, but it’s symbolic of so much more. I say it’s time to unleash those poor, perpetual, silent guardians of other consonants with no service to perform. I will no longer stay silent myself about those worthy, yet muzzled letters placed in front of the letter “n.” So here goes: 

N-a-t: Nat, N-o-c-k: Nock, N-e-u-m-o-n-i-a: Neumonia. Or how about this: G-nat. K-nock. P-neumonia. There, I’ve said it. I’ve released them. I’ve pronounced them. They are free. Ahhhhh, that feels better. 

Back to the misery of measuring myself to someone else…Soon after that comparison comes, it shows up in my body with a sinking in my stomach, coupled with a wave of panic energy in my chest, that my mind interprets as “Danger! You’re not doing anything important. Other people are doing really important things. Something is terribly wrong. You’re going to let down people who believe in you. You don’t belong. Hurry up, do something. Stop, don’t do anything. Avoid. Distract. Go on a diet. Run Away.” And on and on...By the way, this can all happen in what seems like a split-second. You have to slow yourself down enough to catch it, before you go off half-cocked, hence the extraordinary value of meditation and breath. 

I’ve heard this particular activity called Snowballing.  And it’s not a fun winter game. It’s a thought process that buries me under a stream of mental projections and unpleasant physical sensations, rendering me agitated, ineffective and overall not pleasant to be around. 

There is also something related to this nefarious snowballing in the human personality, and certainly in mine, that can cause me to feel stymied and overwhelmed by the prospect of how long it might take to do something.  In fact, back in the far away old day, as my son David James used to say when he was in preschool and talking about his past lives (seriously that’s true, but it’s a story for another time), I actually made the choice to pursue a law degree over a medical degree, although I was equally interested in both, simply because of how much longer it would take to become a doctor.  Now, that might not have been the most mature thinking, God bless me. It’s not that I wasn’t willing to work hard then or throughout my life. Holy good night, I’ve had four children; that in and of itself felt herculean at times. Yet, the distorted belief that time takes too long, (lol- time taking too long) can create a heavy, anxious, sick feeling that translates into “It’s too late for me,” or, “It will be way too hard,” or “I’ll never have the energy for that,” or “I’ll never get as far as Brene Brown,” or as far as whomever. And that’s a rat-bastard, humdinger, paralyzing force. It literally keeps people, including me in bed, on the couch or in our homes away from others, away from creating our lives the way we really want to.

But there’s so much hope everyone. So much possibility for each of us. I read a quote once that said something like:  Every overnight success usually has many years of failure behind it. Yes, here’s to failures and the strength of character that allows us to risk failing.  And here’s to all those clichés that I poo-pooed for years as trite and meaningless, those slogans that are actually powerhouses of Truth: 

First things first. (Breathe.)One step at a time. (Breathe.)Easy does it. (Breathe.) Don’t get ahead of yourself. (Breathe.)Rome wasn’t built in a day. (Breathe.)A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. (Breathe.) Patience is a virtue. (Breathe.) 

Patience really, really, really is a virtue by the way, a virtue every human has in them and can cultivate more access to. I used to think that patience was the ability to tolerate suffering until I got what I wanted. Thank goodness, it is not. Patience is a physical release of stress in the body and mental release of attachments to what we think should be happening, an acceptance of what is, a faith that this too shall pass and a belief that what is coming will bring more growth and freedom.  It also is the ability to drop into the timeless state of the present moment and experience yourself and your life from that vibrating and serene place. Wow. That’s a lot. It is work to cultivate this kind of true patience, but it is work infinitely worth doing. It will give you an incredibly strong backbone to get through hard times and to build a beautiful life. (Breathe.) 

And finally:  I’m ok. You’re ok. (Breathe.)

By the way, it is totally ok to be jealous. It’s entirely normal to feel this way at times. Jealousy is actually a form of love, albeit a way more primitive, more animalistic form of love, a kind of “lion eating a gazelle” form of love or a “one of my dogs who can’t stand the other dog getting my attention” form of love. Imagine that though, that if you’re feeling jealous, you might actually not suck as a person, but that you, my friend, are in the arena of loving.  

See, you are ok. Go ahead and let yourself off the hook and forgive yourself for that feeling.  Forgive those people who are doing what you think you would like to be doing. Forgive those people who take things or people away from you to get attention for themselves or to assuage their own feelings of worthlessness.  Awww. And in this moment, let yourself understand the nature of jealousy with a little more lightness, a little more kindness, a little more hope. Jealousy is just an attraction, a wanting, a desire to be like someone else or have the experiences they are living.  Just don’t hire a guy to smash someone’s leg a la Tonya Harding when you feel it. Instead, elevate your feelings of jealousy.  Purify them into a force that works for you and works with others.

So in this moment, I shall purify my feelings of a being a little jealous of Brene Brown and transform them into a more mature, evolved energy, a knowing that I simply love her. She is an exemplary model for me, a living, hopeful prototype of what is possible. I know her mission is not to make me or anyone else feel stuck or lesser than she is. Her mission is the EXACT opposite of that in fact. I believe it even might cause her some unpleasant personal feelings to find out that her life’s work has had a self-deprecating effect on me, although temporarily. And from the perspective of Oneness, from the scientific and spiritual truth that we are all part of a dynamic whole, Brene and I (see, we are already on a first name basis) are inextricably connected and there is no loss or lack in my life because she exists as she magnificently does.  

I’ll conclude with acknowledging the enormous gratitude I feel for Brene Brown and the awareness that her big, loving presence in the world does not suppress my big, loving presence in the world. It actually powerfully enhances it. We need way more people like her at this point in human history, with the world being on fire the way it is, on fire with hate, fear, polarization, depression, addiction, sickness and more.  We need the world to be able to transform to be on fire with tolerance, love, harmony, enthusiasm, connection, vibrant health and more. Feel this. Meditate on this. Breathe this in.

Hate into Tolerance.
Fear into Love.
Polarization into Harmony.
Depression into Enthusiasm.
Addiction into Connection.
Sickness into Vibrant Health.

And More….

We need throngs of people, not just a chosen few, to staff this global transformation. We need you and we need me. And you and I cannot take our places and fulfill our life purposes if those little/loud, insidious voices in our heads that say we’re not good enough, or say that it will take too long to create the life we dream of, run the show called our lives.

In truth, I am like Brene Brown, but and I am also distinctly, uniquely, undeniably me too. I am a magnificent, funny, beautiful, intelligent, vibrant, devoted spark of All That Is, who is going for being her full, unleashed self. Here’s to all of us being our full, unleashed selves.  Thank you Brene, you amazing woman, for paving the way.  

Now that you’ve read this, click below if you’d like to hear it in Cindy’s voice.